50 Shades Of Pissed off

Being 6 months sober and living for the first time without leaning on chemicals, I often struggle with getting through the seemingly long hours in the day, especially if there are things bothering me or major stressors happening. It’s often very hard to sit in my own skin, with my thoughts swirling around. Restless irritable and discontent I often feel.

I am working a 12 step program as part of my recovery and every single day I must remember to do step 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Sounds simple right? Then why is it so hard?

When I accept my circumstances and drop all expectations of what things around me should be like…and just accept life on life’s terms…trusting God that I am right where I’m supposed to be… things are so much easier. When I remember I am but a player in this game and I surrender my will again to the all knowing, all loving Director it feels like I am exhaling after holding a long breath. I don’t have to know much.

A couple months ago I was going through some really heavy stuff. I felt heaviness all the day long and I was lost in my head a lot and my broken heart ached from grief. I was in a lot of pain but God was sustaining me by giving me shots of insight and also comfort along the way.

One of these days when I was in a lot of pain, I went over to a friend’s house, someone who’s kids my son likes to play with. There were a ton of children over at this house playing, and as I sat there under the weight of my grief, lost in my head, a little girl about aged 7 caught my eye. She reminded me so much of myself. Her sense of humor, her imagination and the way she looked and acted. What caught my attention the most though was her carefreeness and how she was so “in the moment”. She was so free and I longed for that.

My friend told me she often watched this little girl and her three brothers to help out their single dad who worked long hours. Their mother had left the family several months ago during a bi-polar episode where she’d actually “kidnapped” the children and they went through a “week of hell” on some rendezvous with her. The father got the four children back but he finally broke up with their mother and so their mother had not been in their life since.

The point being, that this little girl’s life was not without pain or problems. She had recently lost her mother from her life. She had gone through some dark things and her future was quite uncertain. So her carefree disposition intrigued me.

As I pondered it, I quickly realized that she was able to be so “present” and “in the moment” because she knew (as a 7 yr old little girl) that she had absolutely no control over what happened next in her life. She was completely dependent on her father and the adults in her life to determine her course… and what happened to her day to day. She was able to be happy and free and in the moment because she knew she was just a little girl, who had no control over what happened next.

I realized God was showing me that day, in my great pain that I AM that little girl. And to take comfort in that fact. The fact that I am completely powerless, that I have a Father who loves me and sees everything. He sees ahead what I cannot. He is directing my path. I am but a child. I don’t know much…and this has been proven….He was showing me that I CAN be the carefree little girl who He created me to be. Who was not without trouble, or pain in this life. But who knew that she was powerless over what happened next. So she was just herself and she lived in the moment. Knowing she had a father who loved her who was working it out.

The only reason I was in such great pain was because I was not in acceptance. I was not accepting what was happening in my life. I was resisting it and this resistance was what was causing my pain. I realize more and more I don’t know sh*t. My feelings are just that…feelings. Just because I have intense feelings doesn’t mean they are based on truth. My thoughts are often completely wrong and my ideas about how things should be just truly shouldn’t even be given any attention at this point.

When I start feeling restless, discontent and anxious I can remember the countenance of that little girl and I can remember I AM her. And things can get simple again. Thank you Lord for that lesson.

I recently heard an amazing interview that Dan Duvall did with Blake Healey who is a seer (sees in the spirit realm) and has seen angels and demons on a daily basis all of his life. In this interview Blake Healey told such intriguing yet simple stories (which brought understanding) that I ordered and read his latest book titled Indestructible: Fight Your Spiritual Battles From the Winning Side.

Here is an excerpt from that book. (Quick background…In the chapters before this excerpt Blake had spoken about how as a child he was tortured at night for many years by entities who brought fear. Then members of his parent’s church recognized his gift and brought understanding to him about why he was experiencing these things. He says after this, the nightly torment sessions stopped.)

The following excerpt picks up from there:

“A Battle of Perspective “You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he is in the world.” -1st John 4:4

After three and a half years of torment, confusion, and pain, I was completely free. I had been seeing demons and experiencing tremendous fear every night, but after one conversation, all the fear was gone. A week later, the demons didn’t even bother trying to come. Every night was peaceful and restful —for six months.

After six months of peace, I laid my head on my pillow one night and immediately felt that all-too-familiar sense of fear wash over me like a wave of ice water. I opened my eyes and saw a shadowy swirl of dark images begin seeping into my room from all corners. I leaped out of bed, instantly furious. This had been defeated in my life. I was a child of God. This was not allowed to happen.

I paced around my room blurting out every declaration, prayer, and scripture that came to mind.

God has not given me a spirit of fear. You do not have permission to disturb my rest or interrupt my sleep. I am a son of God and subject to his protection. ”

I kicked at the shadows as they continued to seep in. I punched at the air to punctuate each prayer.

I am a mild person by nature, but after experiencing so much freedom, I was not ready to let the enemy take back even a single step of ground. The fear dissipated as I prayed, then returned, then faded, then returned again. The shadows followed the same pattern, pressing in, then reeling back. This continued back and forth, like a spiritual arm-wrestling match, until one o’clock in the morning.

Finally, I felt something break, and the fear left along with the swirling shadows. Relieved and exhausted, I fell back into my bed and went to sleep.

The following night I entered my room ready to fight. I lay down, tense and alert, expecting the cold fear to come rushing in at any moment, but it never did. The next night was free of fear, as was the night after that. Another six months went by before the fear returned.

Again, the fear rushed in the moment I lay down to sleep. Again, I leaped out of my bed with righteous fury pulsing through my veins. And again, I prayed and declared until the fear broke during the early hours of the morning.

Another six months went by — no fear. Six months after that — still no fear. I was beginning to think that the fear had finally given up. Until one night, just as I was about to fall asleep, the fear returned. This time, however, my circumstances were a little different.

I had taken a summer job and had to be at work early the next morning. It was already pretty late. I didn’t want to stay up until one or two in the morning praying and fighting. I was tired.

As the icy fear crept its way up my spine, I rolled over on my other side, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.

I made my way to bed the following night, sure that I would have to fight twice as hard as before. I lay down in bed, tensing with uncomfortable anticipation, but nothing came. No fear, no shadow — there was nothing. The next night was peaceful, as was the one after that.

It was another year before the fear made any attempt to return. When it did, I thought back to the last time the fear had come. “Well,” I thought, “that way was much easier.” So I just went to sleep.

This time the fear was gone for more than two years.

The fear still tries to come back to this day, sometimes twice a year, sometimes once a year. During one stretch, it was gone for five years straight. It usually lasts for only a single night. I get up and pray against it only when it keeps me from falling asleep or lasts more than one night.

I asked the Holy Spirit a question one morning after having spent the majority of the previous night praying and declaring. “Why do I have to fight for it sometimes?”

‘What are you fighting for?” the Holy Spirit asked in return.

I was about to say, “To get rid of the fear,” but I realized the thought was wrong the moment it formed. God had not given me a spirit of fear. God is light; fear is darkness. Light does not need to fight to get rid of darkness. If I was fighting to chase away fear, then I was fighting the wrong battle.

“I guess I’m fighting to tell myself the truth,” I said. “I’m reminding myself of who I am. I’m reminding myself of whom I belong to. I’m fighting to remind myself of my identity.”

I felt Him smile.”

Okay so when I read that story in his book I identified with him wrestling with these demons (which cause the fears or untrue thoughts and feelings). I identified with him rebuking them, being up all night, in fear of the fear…struggling to put them behind him. So the part in his story really struck me…how one night when these malevolent entities came to visit, he had a lot to do the next day and couldn’t afford to be awake all night rebuking them…. so he simply turned over and went to sleep! I love that! And how simple. And it worked!

Reading that story gave me the idea to try to change my approach when I begin to feel the onset of fear and negative feelings. Instead of giving any attention to it I acknowledge it’s there…then yawn and turn my back on it with the attitude of “whatever” and I continue on. Demons need you to feed them fear in order to grow stronger.

How about simply “I am a daughter of the King. And I’m busy.” And turn your back. The enemy will flee if you resist him.

Another thing Blake Seeley said in his book was interesting to me and it was this:

“I see demons on people all the time. Most of the time they are gone in less than 24 hours, expelled by the normal process of healthy thinking. When we choose to let anger go and forgive, when we choose to push jealous thoughts away, when we stop and reevaluate our thinking, we remove the enemy’s ability to influence us. Demons are opportunists. We eliminate their opportunity when we realign our thoughts to heaven. Because of this, I am never quick to share when I see demons on people. Mentioning them can often make the problem seem bigger than it is, turning what would have been a one-day problem into something more complicated.”

I thought that was very interesting. We are constantly being tried by demons….taunts and lies which come into our heads as fears, shame, resentment, etc. But again they will flee the moment we turn away from them, re-align our thinking with Gods will and remember who we truly are.

Ending with another quote from his book:

“Light and darkness are not equal opposites. God and Satan are not in a battle of equal forces. Light does not just have an advantage over darkness. The forces of good are not just stronger, and they do not just outnumber the forces of evil. Darkness is nothing but the absence of light. When I walk into my office and turn on the light there is no struggle for the light to dispel the darkness. The darkness does not peel away in layers like a stain being scrubbed from a floor. The darkness does not slowly retreat like a puddle blown by the wind. It is gone when light is present. The battle is not about whether light can defeat darkness; the battle is about whether the light is on or not.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over.”
–Psalm 23:5

It wasn’t until I had my breakthrough with fear that I realized why the scripture was so important. God does not want to set a table in the presence of your enemies because he wants to test your bravery or gloat at his enemies. God prepares a table in the presence of your enemies so that you can see what your enemies look like in his presence.”

Thank you Jesus